Being Of Nothing At All

Speed writing experiment with Rulinian Wexile at Oxford Bookstore. And no, we were not high – we just fuel each others’ insanities.

The banana spoke with a rapid stataco that oozed of its hurry. The seven wise monkeys paid it no heed as they sat around their glorious council chamber. the yellow being pleaded and begged, but to no avail, how would the wise ones see beyond mere appearances and see that the world was at the point of DOOM! The sages saw the impending DOOM and raised the banana as a sacrifice to Cthulhu, lord of the deepest waters and the murkiest depths of the universe. The banana realized that there was only one way out, extremely painful though it may seem. The monkeys raised their celestial blade, all seven knobby hands joined as one, the gleaming silver of the blade suspended above the hapless fruit. and slowly, very slowly, something happened. The yellow skin slowly started peeling ff revealing the soft flesh inside. The wise monkeys had been expecting this, they were not scholared in the ways of old to not be, and as the flesh peeled away revealing what resembled a deformed human fetus, the blade came down on the creature. the fetus slowly uncurled itself, and streched out one finger towards the oldest and wisest of the monkeys… a small warbled cry, “mama…?”

The oldest and wisest and the holiest of them all, he in his eternal glory and sage-like devotion, nodded his head imperceptibly. “It hast channeled upon the powers of the universe, and now they are in our wretched hands. This baby — ” he said this reluctantly, because ‘baby’ didn’t do the thing any justice — “will be our key to world domination.” “but yes,” said another voice from the other end of the row of sagely primates, utrning in the wrong direction, his eyes being temporarily obstructed by the hood that was far too big for his face, “Shouldn’t we figure out how to attach the head first?”

“Secondary,” said the Wisest, holding up a quelling hand as the baby ambled around, the head lolling on the floor a few paces away and emitting strange, unreal, otherwordly cries. “First, we must harness its raw strength and power.” “i miss the banana” the fair away voice said, sadly. “I was hungry.” the bleating voice was stopped by the glare to eleven beedy eyes that were directed towards it. but the primate did not care, he had two eyes, they each had only one! hah! The Wisest held both his hands up, clearly frustrated at his minions behaving like schoolchildren. “We must capture the Being of All before it ambles away, you douchebags.” Instant chaos broke out at the proclomation, as the primates ran around the room, their single eyes unfortunately disturbing their perspectives. The primate Holder of Two Eyes walked forward and triumphantly seized the gruesome form and it spurted blood at him defiantly. The blood, it burned like acid, and as the Holder of Two wailed in agony, his flesh burnt, emitting sulfurous smoke in great clouds. The Being of All kicked its way out of his grasp, and sprayed blood into the singular eyes of another wise primate, torrents of the viscous fluid spurting from its decapitated neck. “now can we figure out how to attach that snotting head?!” the Holder of Two Eyes cried futilely grabbing his burning face. “Well, you need to catch it before you can attach the head idiot!” the Wisest primate called out, using wisdom and staying in the far corner of the room. The Holder of Two was somewhat affronted at having his intelligence undermined, but the Being of All was far out of their reach now, as the primates rolled around on the floor in agony and pain, the creature had made its way to the door of the cave — yes, it had a door, an ornate and elaborately decorated one that you didn’t want to look at any closer — and on the way, it snatched its own wailing head up off the floor, and twiddled its fingers at the entrance. “Adios, amigos!”

but unfortunately it was only when the Being of All had reached the doorway, it realized one fundamental flaw in its great and dramatic exit, the door knob was far too high for the headless fetus to reach. It bounced up and down a couple of times trying to reach the exalted knob, but it was just too far away. the head sighed. It would have to use its power earlier than it had planned. It set its head back upon its shoulders (it was backwards, but that was a minor impedement in the grand scheme of things), and opened its mouth wide and let out an unearthly, world-breaking bellow. It resounded through the globe, across the celestial spheres, across the seven dimensions (and the eighth one, too, and the unmentionable ninth), and even your deaf ninety-year old neighbor heard it. The monkeys trembled. They glanced at each other doubtfully, stopping in their wailing to let wisdom prevail. Eyes shifted towards the Wisest, looking for guidance as it stood, silently in the corner, looking on at all presidings with a benign eye. Literally. After an eternal pause, he uttered a single sentence, “Well go help it you idiots!” The monkeys glanced at each other uncertainly, and while the Being of All continued its defeaning assault on the auditory senses, one brave soul (he would later be remembered as Holder of Two Umentionables) stepped forth and undid the latch, and pushed the door open. The beam of sunlight made the monkeys uneasy, but the Being of All seemed to welcome it and shut the hell up. But the escape of Being of All could not be that easy, the course of a fouetus with a true heart never did run smooth. One shining boot stepped into the doorway as it swung open, and a deep gravel voice drawled, “Not so fast.” The line was capped by a haunting maniacal laugh, and the Wisest notices that whoever this grand personna in shining gold was, he had got his genres horribly mixed up. The Being of All trembled, but it was not to be outdone. It reared its ugly head up again for another cry, but then the figure in shining, golden, ambrosial armor burst into the room, and speared the Being of All upon his golden, shining, ambrosial sword. The Being of All screamed, a dreadful scream from beyond All That We Know and Know Not, and exploded. The consequences of the deed was enormous. Perhaps the Personna in Shining Gold did not quite learn his physics lessons, but someone should have told him: never, ever stab something filled with a burning viscous fluid to high pressure. The monkeys wailed, both in pain and misery, they had worked for this very day for seventy years, never foraying beyond the regions of the cave, living of berries and water and sometimes they even recycled, and at their moment of glory, it had all been taken away from their hands. Worst yet, their skin was burning off, too. The inopportune hero in the golden armor blinked — he had luckily thrown his hands up to shield his face and was safe from any major harm. The


One thought on “Being Of Nothing At All

  1. I actually only read the first paragraph because I got scared afterwards.

    But it kind of reminded me of the trial scene in Planet of the Apes and then I was like wait what?

    Anyway it was really well written and I liked the Lovecraft allusion. ❤

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